Thursday, January 27

The Good:

• Had tea and water with my breakfast.
• Restrained myself from eating the hot tamales on my boss's desk during our afternoon meeting.
• Had a healthy lunch -- lean cuisine pizza.

Regrets:

• When the afternoon rolled around and I was hungry (after all a lean cuisine pizza isn't filling), I grabbed an orange from my purse, but it wasn't good, so I had a bag of potato chips that I was storing in my drawer.  Yuck.  They didn't even taste that good.
• I got my haircut at the end of the day.  Work had been stressful so when they offered me wine, I accepted.
• After these two missteps, I let the rest of the day slide, indulging in a beer and appetizers at the neighborhood bar.

Lesson Learned: Just because you make one bad move doesn't mean you have to screw up the rest of the day.

Wednesday, January 26

The good:

• Ran for 30 minutes before work.  I'm not into getting up early to work out, but James got me up around 6 wanting to nurse, so I just stayed up and went to the gym.
• Had a work luncheon (are you seeing a theme here?) with tiramisu.  At first, I didn't get any, but everyone was raving about it, so I decided not to eat my polenta and try the tiramisu instead.  I relished every bit and it was delicious.
• I get super hungry between 4 pm and dinner time.  I picked up a Reese's peanut butter cup off a co-worker's desk to satisfy my late afternoon slump.  In a move that was truly miraculous, I set it back down and didn't eat it!  

The bad:

• Brett and I had a mini date night last night.  This pretty much just means that we open a bottle of wine, watch some TV together and then have sex.  We had champagne.  I know it's not good for me, but it's such a big part of our tradition together.

I'm learning that sweets are definitely my weak point.  Also, between 3 and 6 pm are the dangerous hours for me.  I thought ahead and brought an orange yesterday, but that didn't satisfy me.  I was craving sweets and salty carbs.  

Tuesday, December 25

The Good:

• Forced myself to drink 20 ounces of water and a mug of chamomile tea before I allowed myself to have my first soda.
• At a work-related lunch, I snapped my chocolate chip cookie in half and only ate half!
• I'm sitting on the couch with the Hubbs right now to watch the State of the Union address.  Usually, this would be the perfect time for a glass of wine, but instead I'm having a cafe au caramel decaf tea.

Regrets:

• Had a site visit and the development director proudly presented me with homemade cookies.  I couldn't really say no or break them in half, so I ate one -- it was good!
• Went back for seconds of hard shell, homemade, turkey tacos.  

Monday, January 24

I am less than two weeks away from turning 29.  I'm 5'4" and weigh 151 pounds, according to the scale on the second floor of my gym.  BMI: 25.9

I'm not happy with that and am determined to do something to change it.

Here's what's working against me:

• I have a child and any smidge of free time that I have, I like to spend it with him.
• I grew up with the adage, "I don't mind cooking as long as you eat a lot."  This manifests itself in my inability to leave food on my plate at home, restaurants, etc.
• Within the next year, we plan to try for baby #2.  It's hard for me to imagine losing a bunch of weight only to get pregnant again.
• I have an all or nothing personality. Traditionally, I've either taken the extreme approach of counting each and every calorie I consume or just saying F*** it and eating everything my little heart desires.

Here's what's working for me:

• I started running in early October to train for a 5k.  That race is this Sunday, which I'm excited about.  Perhaps more importantly, I've come to enjoy running (never more than 30 minutes at a time) and have the gym membership, jogging stroller, running shoes, etc. that I need to stick with this.
• I have a little boy who is eating real, live people food.  I've done some reading on how to instill healthy eating habits in him and how/what I eat will be one of the strongest predictors of how/what he eats.  His health is a great motivation for me, more so than my own health.
• I'm still a breastfeeding mom, which should still be burning a decent amount of calories

Here's my plan:

• I will weigh myself every Monday on that damn scale at the gym, which of course will require going to the gym every Monday.
• I will not go crazy about this weight loss idea -- I've done that before and I was miserable.  If anyone still reads this crazy, mixed-up, sporadically used blog of mine, please hold me to this pledge.  Let me know if you see me cross the line from simply trying to live a cleaner, healthier life to trying to be skinny at all costs.
• I will try to blog daily (who am I kidding, this won't happen) to list three decisions I'm proud of and three that I wish I would have made differently.

Three Decisions Today that I'm Proud Of:

• I went to the gym and ran for 30 minutes.
• I was really, really hungry when I got home from work. Usually while I'm cooking dinner, I'll eat graham crackers or Goldfish to hold me over.  Today, I peeled myself an orange and also nibbled on some baby carrots.
• I had a chicken caesar wrap at a work function.  Toward the end of the wrap, there was no goodness left in the bottom, just plain tortilla.  I stopped eating when it stopped tasting good.

Three Decisions I Regret:

• The work function I went to for lunch had dessert boxes with 2 cookies in them.  I ate 1.5 of the cookies, which I'd actually be fine with, except most of the time I was thinking that they were clearly not homemade and didn't taste that good to me.
• I hate drinking water.  I'm absolutely horrible at it and today was no exception.  I think I maybe had a glass with lunch, but that was it.
• I had an early morning and ate a protein bar for breakfast.  It was not enough to satisfy me so by about 9:30 am I was hungry again.  I reached in my purse for an apple I had stashed away, but the apple had gone bad, so I threw it out.  I had an orange in my purse too, but I was too lazy to peel it.  I wish I would've. 

Moving

We are moving offices.  Well, kind of.  We are just moving from one set of crummy, sterile cubicles to a different set of crummy, sterile cubicles.  Some of my officemates are really struggling to get all of their stuff boxed up.  However, I'm all ready to go.  I think it helps that I just moved offices in June since we had a new employee start. 

Also, being of the electronic generation, I only keep paper copies of things that aren't available electronically.  I guess that requires placing some faith in technology, but I'm willing to do so.  I keep a pretty clean and organized office without too much junk lying around.  I do have a lot of family pictures up.

So, any ideas for making my new office a little less drab?  How do you jazz up your working space?

Happy First Birthday to James

Wow, today is a completely surreal day.  My son is now a year old.  I feel like it was just a few days ago that I was on maternity leave, soaking up the smells of a newborn and learning to live with sleep deprivation.  It feels like it was only a couple weeks ago that I was at my desk with my hand on my belly waiting to feel little baby kicks.

I would live the past year over and over again if I could.  It was a year of magic for me.

We celebrated with a wonderful party in James' honor.  The food was all ready, party favors were wrapped and ready to go, and pictures were strung along the mantle.  All of this was under my control.  What I couldn't be sure of was how James would handle the day.  However, he made me so proud.

He ate almost every bite of his smash cake and tore into his presents like he totally knew what he was doing. 

So, here at one year, I want to write a little love note to my son...

Dear James,

You are one year old today.  It's hard to believe that I've had the privilege of being your mommy for a whole year now.  I've watched you grow from a little newborn who always slept if someone was willing to hold him into an infant who always cried if no one would hold him into a toddler who stretches out his arms and grunts if he wants someone to hold him.

When you first came into our lives you were a blank canvas.  We didn't know who you were or who we were as parents.  Over the past year, we've learned a lot.  As parents, your daddy and I relish in you.  We both love nothing more than to come home at the end of the work day, plop you on the rug in the living room and watch you play.  Almost every morning when you wake up, we carry you into our bed and snuggle.  As you slowly wake up, you start babbling, grabbing at our noses and hands.  We have faith in your ability to grow.  We haven't pushed you to sit up or crawl or stand or walk.  We've just sat back and assumed that you would hit all these milestones in time and you have.

I've also learned a few things about myself as a mother.  I'm not a "tough love" kind of gal.  You went through a fairly long phase where you wanted to be held almost all the time.  You were around 6 months old and could even sit up on your own, but you weren't content to play on your own.  I could've just let you cry, but I didn't have it in me.  Instead, I scooped you up, busted out the baby carrier and held you close.  And, you know what?  You got over it.

I love nursing you.  We've made it one whole year without having to supplement at all.  I'm proud of that.  It's given me confidence that, with the right start, women can have a wonderful, fulfilling nursing relationship with their child.  You are old enough now to tell me when you want to nurse, either by tapping on my chest or pulling my shirt down.  It's usually only early in the morning or right before bed and I happily give in.  You still get up in the night, usually around 5:30 am.  Daddy brings you into our bed and you snuggle up against me and nurse until you fall back to sleep.  I love the coziness of it.  I usually rub your back, which is still baby soft and smooth.

I've learned a lot about who you are.  You are a sensitive kid.  If I tell you "no," you always stop what you are doing and sometimes you even cry because you've been reprimanded.  That's how mommy was when she was little.  For your own sake, we might have to work on developing a thicker skin.  Mommy wishes she had that. 

If you are hungry or tired or sick, you just want to be with mommy or daddy, but if you feel well, you want to be with other people.  We were out to eat the other night and you were so intrigued with the lady at the table next to us.  You could not stop watching her, to the point that we had a hard time feeding you at all.  She got up to leave and as she passed behind your highchair, you threw a piece of your food at her.  I think you were trying to share or maybe just get her attention so you could meet her.

You let your happiness consume you and I love that.  When you smile, it's not just a half-cocked smirk or a slight upturn of the mouth.  It's a full grin, teeth-bared, eyes dancing, feet kicking.  It warms me to the core and makes me willing to sacrifice everything I am and everything I have for you.

I want you to be kind and confident.  I want you to be the kid who is nice to everyone, no matter how different or downtrodden they are.  I want you to find a career that you love and someone to share your life with.  I want you to become a father someday because it's one of the most amazing joys in life.  I want you to work hard, but not let it rule your life.  Most of all, I want you to be happy.  I want to raise a child who has the capacity to be happy.

Love you forever,

Mom

Black Friday

If you're anything like me, you don't procrastinate.  It's a sickness, I swear.  I am obsessed with taking care of things in advance.  I hate having to do things last-minute, so I plan and plan and plan.  Sometimes I think that my need to do things early actually creates more work for me because I find myself getting something done and cross it off my to-do list, only to revisit the decision about 15 times.  For example, James' first birthday party is this weekend.  In preparation, I started getting ready about 3 months ago.  As a result, I have worried about this party for three whole months.  I'm pretty sure I could've ignored the whole thing until about a month ago and still planned an awesome shindig (and spared myself from three months of prep/anxiety/worrying).

Usually, I do all my Christmas shopping in October and have all the gifts purchased and wrapped by Thanksgiving.  By the time my family members are finally telling me what's on their wish list, my shopping is done.  I decided to be a little less anal and do my shopping on Black Friday.  Now, I'm sure you're imagining crazies trampling one another in a Wal-Mart parking lot for a shot at a 19" LCD TV, but this was different.  We bought a newspaper Thanksgiving morning, decided what to buy, and made a list of stores to visit.

We made a day out of it and, dare I admit this, it was really fun.  We woke up around 5:30 am on Friday, treated ourselves to a McDonald's breakfast and coffee, then headed to the stores.  Within 6 hours, I had completed all of my Christmas shopping (except gifts for my mom because she was with me).  That night, we spent about an hour gift wrapping and now I am done.  So much easier than going nuts trying to get everything done early.

The best part of the Christmas shopping was James' doll.  I got him a gender-neutral doll.  Yes, I know he's a boy, but I think the "dolls are for girls" rule perpetuates this silly idea that only women can care for children.  My mom was very negative about the idea, suggesting that it would make him a sissy.  On Friday night when we were wrapping, James saw his doll in the pile of stuff.  He walked over, held its, hand, touched its nose, and leaned in to give it a kiss.  My heart melted and my mom saw the light.  I can't wait for him to unwrap it on Christmas morning.

What are your kids getting for the holidays?