Love, Love, Love

Sometimes I just can't believe how much of it I have. When I look at that little boy, cuddled up beside me on the bed or crawling like a wild man across the kitchen floor, my heart nearly explodes.

Remember those first days and months with a new boyfriend? That feeling that your relationship was full of *new.* You fell asleep thinking of him, slept dreaming of him, and woke up counting the minutes or days until you could see him.

As Brett and I near 12 years together and six years of marriage, that adrenaline rush is, for the most part, gone. Rather than being the relationship equivalent of a new pair of heels or a flashy leather jacket, Brett's my sensible yet cute flats or my cozy cable knit cardigan. My heart may not skip a beat at the sight of him, but I swoon in a different way when I crawl into bed with him and gently drape my foot over his.

I'm just fine with that.

But, James, he's my exclamation point in life. He's the one who consumes my thoughts, whose birthday I've been planning since the day he was born. He's the one whose room I creep into to stare at before bed. I think that's exactly how it's supposed to be.

Is It Fair?

Is the way that we talk about motherhood with one another fair? I think that we tend to glorify it. We paint it with bright colors. Say things like, "it's a moment that will change your life forever." We take pictures of grinning moms holding little bundles as they're discharged from the hospital. Newborns resting peacefully on bare-chested daddies.

All these moments happen and they're wonderful. However, my recollection of the first six weeks of motherhood included lots of other moments. The nights upon nights when I woke up every two or three hours to nurse. The afternoon when I sat sobbing, bare-breasted on the hallway floor. The two empty bags of pads that I'd soaked through. The night that I excitedly texted my mom at 4 am to let her know that James had slept for an entire 4 hours straight.

It's not that I'm complaining because all those moments were 150% worth it, it's just that I'm wondering whether we adequately prepare women to become mothers. Did any of us really, really know what we were getting ourselves into when we became pregnant? Aside from a few flip comments, like, "Sleep now, while you can," did anyone pull us aside and tell us the dirty secret, "The first few weeks? They suck." Maybe "suck" is the wrong word. As James has gotten older, I find myself nostalgic for those maternity leave days when I could spend a whole day in bed, unshowered, with a tiny baby on my breast.

Maybe people tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen because I was so excited to become a mom. It wouldn't have mattered had I understood. I would gladly and repeatedly take on those first six weeks for my son. I just think being mentally prepared for it would have been handy.

I just think we owe it to each other to be honest that those first six weeks will pretty much kick anyone's butt. But how and when? I don't have the answer, but I just can't stay tight-lipped and watch another women get blindsided by just how hard this mommy thing is.

{Tranquil Tuesday} Working Less

I just finished reading this awesome article from the NY Times, called "But Will It Make You Happy?" Here's a short exerpt...

"One major finding is that spending money for an experience — concert tickets, French lessons, sushi-rolling classes, a hotel room in Monaco — produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on plain old stuff. "

The basic gist of the article is that the recent economic recession has forced many people to rethink their spending habits. People are cutting back, getting rid of cable, staying home with their families, working less (oftentimes out of necessity.) Interestingly, research shows that a lot of these changes will make people happier. Rather than a focus on accumulating things, people are happier when they have more time, leisure, experiences.

Thus, we have Tranquil Tuesday when I plan to share some little thing I've done to make life just a little simpler. This one isn't done yet, but it's a work in progress that I'm so excited about. I'm planning to "buy" some more time with my son.

I have started discussions with my boss to give me more time with James, either by working from home once per week or even working few hours each week. I assume there may be a pay cut involved in this decision, but I'm okay with that. I'm not quitting or even going part-time, just getting a little more time to spend with my boy.

I'm nervous about how it will all turn out. My boss is older and not super-flexible, so the idea of working from home is totally foreign to him. At the same time, I think Brett's concerned about our household budget taking too much of a hit.

{Manic Monday} Here's how it's all gone down...

I'm going to try something new, that I will likely do just this once and fail to repeat, because that's just the way I operate. I thought I'd give you all a glimpse into my life, by just plain listing the way my day has gone...

• Wake up at 1 am, nurse James for all of 10 minutes before he falls back asleep
• Wake up at 4:30 am and listen as Brett gives him a bottle of milk, changes his diaper, and he cries for 20 minutes before falling asleep
• Wake up at 6:50 am and nurse James in bed where he promptly falls asleep
• Shower, give up on doing my hair since I'm "growing it out" due to an inability to find the time for a haircut
• Put on makeup. Teal shadow is just the cure for a melancholy Monday, no?
• Pack for the day -- four empty breastmilk bottles, three full ones, baby breakfast: mango, peaches, and oatmeal; baby lunch: squash, tofu, cheerios. For mommy: one banana, one Lean Cuisine.
• Am all ready for work, but baby James is still asleep in ourbed and I firmly believe in the "never wake a sleeping baby" adage.
• Download James pics that my cousin sent me.
• James wakes up, has the stinkiest poo ever. Slips into an adorable orange plaid romper.
• Kiss the husband and the dog
  
• Drive to work listening to knick-knack paddy-whack, which is amazingly catchy
• Drop James off at the baby-sitter's
• Head to work, where I am somehow responsibly for planning about 50 events that all seem to be taking place in the same two-week span
• Have a meeting about an event
• Have a phone call about an event
• Respond to emails about an event
• I hate planning events
• Drive to baby-sitters house where James has tears in his eyes and hasn't napped all morning, although he did eat his whole breakfast
• Nurse him, which causes him to fall right to sleep.
  
• Sit in the glider for 10 minutes while little man sleeps peacefully on my chest
• Drive back to work, simultaneously calling Brett to see if the home repair folks have come out yet to fix our flooding basement
• Eat my lean cuisine. Yuck!
• Work some more
  

8 Months Old

Trying to Keep My Perspective

I was about to title this post something sad and whiny like, "Some Days the World Hates You" or "When It Rains, It Pours." Then, I tried to step back from my so-called problems, which include leaving for a week-long trip to Hawaii this weekend and needing to hire a nanny.

• So, the bad news is that I'm starting to feel super anxious about leaving James for a whole week, like perhaps needing medication anxious. I totally trust my mom to watch over him and James is so familiar with her that I think he'll be fine. He'll be with my MIL during the days and I know she'll take good care of him, but James is simply not as familiar with her. He sees my mom every other weekend, sometimes more, but he only sees my MIL about once a month. Yeah, this is a pretty whiny, petty problem. On the bright side, I'm going to Hawaii for a whole week with my loving husband and family. I have two people who have jumped at the chance to watch James.
• My other piece of somewhat bad news? I even feel bad for calling it that, but I'm in a selfish mood. Our child care provider just told me that she's 3.5 months pregnant. I am really, truly 100% happy for her, but it does mean we need to find another provider. Fortunately, we have the means to pay for a full-time, in-home nanny, so I think that's what we'll do.

Now that I've written this up, I feel like a real baby. My bad news is that I'm going to Hawaii and can afford a nanny. That's nothing compared to what so many other people are going through.

Bad Jess. You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, buy Andrea a baby gift, and start getting excited for Hawaii.

Mahalo and aloha.

Hello July

And, how are you? I haven't blogged the whole month and lots has been going on. Hence, the no blogging. Here are some of the snippets:

• We took a trip to the lake over the 4th of July. In a most welcomed turn of events, Brett and his mom were a huge help with James. It was such a great trip and I even felt relaxed for most of it. James got in the water, went on the boat, and even went on his first tubing tide. Don't worry, it wasn't as dangerous as it sounds. Brett and I sat on a double pull-behind tube and held James in between us. Uncle Ben drove the boat at the slowest possible speed. The major goal was a photo op, which we got.
• James now has 6 teeth! I have been shocked at how fast they've come in. After he got his bottom 2, I thought there'd be a break, but it seems to be tooth after tooth.
• We've been struggling with our child care situation, but it's almost getting back under control. Our sitter, Andrea, is awesome but James has been behaving badly for her over the past couple weeks. I think it's just the beginnings of separation anxiety, but Andrea's making it worse by trying to make him "cry it out." She's also not very good at giving him as much napping as he needs. Her 9-month-old doesn't nap at all, so I think she doesn't really appreciate how much James needs sleep. She is starting to watch James at our house everyday, which is nice because Brett works from home and can make sure he's getting enough naps. Also, I sent her some articles on how to handle separation anxiety (hold the baby!!) and that seems to be helping.
• We are leaving our baby for a full week. I really would never have opted to leave him for so long at such a young age, but it's my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary and they are paying for all their kids and grandkids to take a 7-day Hawaiian cruise. They are paying the cruise fee for Brett and I, as well as our airfare. I thought about bringing James along, but there's no child care for children below 2. Plus, I'd worry about him getting sick or overheated or a bad sunburn. We are leaving James with my mom and Brett's mom. They live close to one another, so my mom will have James in the evenings and overnight and Brett's mom will watch him during the day. I know I'll miss him terribly, but he'll be in good hands and I'll get some much-needed rest.