Trying to Keep My Perspective

I was about to title this post something sad and whiny like, "Some Days the World Hates You" or "When It Rains, It Pours." Then, I tried to step back from my so-called problems, which include leaving for a week-long trip to Hawaii this weekend and needing to hire a nanny.

• So, the bad news is that I'm starting to feel super anxious about leaving James for a whole week, like perhaps needing medication anxious. I totally trust my mom to watch over him and James is so familiar with her that I think he'll be fine. He'll be with my MIL during the days and I know she'll take good care of him, but James is simply not as familiar with her. He sees my mom every other weekend, sometimes more, but he only sees my MIL about once a month. Yeah, this is a pretty whiny, petty problem. On the bright side, I'm going to Hawaii for a whole week with my loving husband and family. I have two people who have jumped at the chance to watch James.
• My other piece of somewhat bad news? I even feel bad for calling it that, but I'm in a selfish mood. Our child care provider just told me that she's 3.5 months pregnant. I am really, truly 100% happy for her, but it does mean we need to find another provider. Fortunately, we have the means to pay for a full-time, in-home nanny, so I think that's what we'll do.

Now that I've written this up, I feel like a real baby. My bad news is that I'm going to Hawaii and can afford a nanny. That's nothing compared to what so many other people are going through.

Bad Jess. You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, buy Andrea a baby gift, and start getting excited for Hawaii.

Mahalo and aloha.

Hello July

And, how are you? I haven't blogged the whole month and lots has been going on. Hence, the no blogging. Here are some of the snippets:

• We took a trip to the lake over the 4th of July. In a most welcomed turn of events, Brett and his mom were a huge help with James. It was such a great trip and I even felt relaxed for most of it. James got in the water, went on the boat, and even went on his first tubing tide. Don't worry, it wasn't as dangerous as it sounds. Brett and I sat on a double pull-behind tube and held James in between us. Uncle Ben drove the boat at the slowest possible speed. The major goal was a photo op, which we got.
• James now has 6 teeth! I have been shocked at how fast they've come in. After he got his bottom 2, I thought there'd be a break, but it seems to be tooth after tooth.
• We've been struggling with our child care situation, but it's almost getting back under control. Our sitter, Andrea, is awesome but James has been behaving badly for her over the past couple weeks. I think it's just the beginnings of separation anxiety, but Andrea's making it worse by trying to make him "cry it out." She's also not very good at giving him as much napping as he needs. Her 9-month-old doesn't nap at all, so I think she doesn't really appreciate how much James needs sleep. She is starting to watch James at our house everyday, which is nice because Brett works from home and can make sure he's getting enough naps. Also, I sent her some articles on how to handle separation anxiety (hold the baby!!) and that seems to be helping.
• We are leaving our baby for a full week. I really would never have opted to leave him for so long at such a young age, but it's my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary and they are paying for all their kids and grandkids to take a 7-day Hawaiian cruise. They are paying the cruise fee for Brett and I, as well as our airfare. I thought about bringing James along, but there's no child care for children below 2. Plus, I'd worry about him getting sick or overheated or a bad sunburn. We are leaving James with my mom and Brett's mom. They live close to one another, so my mom will have James in the evenings and overnight and Brett's mom will watch him during the day. I know I'll miss him terribly, but he'll be in good hands and I'll get some much-needed rest.

Deadly Sin or Completely Understandable?

I know that pride is one of the 7 deadly sins, but it's also one of the first things that comes to mind when I think about James. I am so intensely and unendingly proud of him.

Here's what I am proud of...

• His adorable little grin
• Dimpled elbows
• Little whimpers while he nurses
• The way he rocks back and forth when he's thinking about crawling/scooting somewhere
• How he nestles into my neck when I pick him up in the morning
• His two cowlicks that result in hair sticking straight up off his head
• The way he kicks his legs when he gets excited
• How he is so easily distracted by whatever colorful object I flash in front of his face
• His penchant for rubbing my face and playing with my lips

I just adore this kid so much. He lights up my days and nights and fills me with such joy. I treasure my time with him so much.

Who's In Charge Here?

Oh, crap, it's me. I'm having an off-day, following an off-weekend. We went to the lake this past weekend, which had lots of super-fun moments, like James swimming in the lake for the first time and liking it! Also, I slalom skied for the first time ever, even if it was for about 5 seconds, I did it!

It also contained a kernel of familiar frustration. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that, no matter what, I'm in charge here. The ultimate responsibility for my son rests on my shoulders. I know, I know, that's how it's supposed to be when you have a kid, but I've always held out hope that the burden would fall equally on my husband and I. But, it does not. I could sit here and try to convince myself that he needs to step up, but I think I'm realizing that the right thing to do is to acknowledge that biology has made child care and rearing primarily my responsibility.

We've been going to the lake every summer for the past 7 or 8 years. We try to make it there two or three times each summer. The day is almost always structured like this: wake up late, eat a small breakfast, swim in the lake/lounge on the dock, have lunch, go on the boat to swim/ski/wakeboard/hang out in a cove, have dinner, drink, drink, and drink.

In preparation for this trip, Brett and I talked about how things would have to be different this time because we are parents now. We just can't stay up until 2 or 3 am drinking and still be the parents James needs the next day. James woke up at 6:30 am every morning when we were at the lake and I looked after him every morning, which meant that I didn't really get to stay up late with the big kids and drink. Brett did. Yesterday morning, even though I had gone to bed around 11, I just wanted to sleep in. I was, plain and simple, tired.

At 6:30 am when James started crying in the pack 'n' play, I turned to Brett and, for one of the first times since I became a mom, asked plainly for what I wanted. I said, "Brett, will you watch him for an hour so I can sleep longer?" Bam, there it was. My request, my needs from my husband, states plainly and clearly. It was his opportunity to rise to the occasion and he said, "Maybe if we wait longer he'll fall back asleep" and then rolled over and went back to sleep himself. As I expected, James continued to fuss in the playpen, so I woke up with him.

I felt so deflated. I'd finally done what's so hard for me to do, which is to admit that I need help. I think of myself as some kind of superwoman who can and usually does find a way to squeeze in everything. But I was finally ready to admit defeat and it didn't work out.

Of course, I was a confusing mix of angry, disappointed, and flat out sad. I cried while I changed James into his clothes and cursed myself for asking for help. Brett felt horrible and spent much of the day trying to make it up to me. As upset as I was at him for not pulling through when I needed him, his solution to this problem upset me more than anything. He said that he thinks we need to plan these things in advance. That, if he'd known I was going to need him to watch James the next morning, he wouldn't have drank so much and then he would've been more able to get up early and watch him.

And, there it was, spelled out so clearly. If I needed help from him, I needed to ask for it, in advance. On neither of the two previous nights had he pulled me aside and said, "I'd like to have some fun tonight, so you'll need to watch James tomorrow morning." It didn't need to be said, it was the assumption, the default. Without a word exchanged, we both assumed that I'd be the one taking care of James each morning. And that, my friends, is the difference.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think Brett's a bad guy. Rather, I think he's probably a lot like almost every other husband out there. Despite all the advances we've made in achieving gender equity, the basic assumption is that women will take care of their children.

Do any of you have similar feelings or are your husbands all amazing superstars? Any working moms feel like they're teetering on the brink of breaking down? I feel like I have no energy left for myself anymore.

On that bitter, sad, depressing note, I will leave you with an absolutely dashing picture of my boy, for whom I would get up at the crack of dawn every morning for the rest of my life...

Baby Food

Before I had James, I heard people say that they made their own baby food. To be honest, I thought they were a little crazy. They talked and talked about steaming, pureeing, freezing, storing, etc. and it all sounded so difficult to me. And, frankly, it sounded difficult for no reason. Was store-bought baby food bad for their kids, because I eat store-bought food all the time and I'm doing fine?

Well, here 6-months later, I've learned a few things...

I want James to have pure and simple foods. I don't think store-bought baby food is bad for him, I just think it has lots of ingredients. Given that Brett had horrible allergies as a kid and that James has pretty severe eczema, his pediatrician and I suspect that he's going to be allergy-prone. I worry about giving him food with multiple ingredients, simply because if he has an allergic reaction, it will be that much harder to pinpoint what he reacted to -- was it the sweet potatoes or was it the food coloring?

It's amazingly easy to make your own baby food. I've been cutting corners all over the place, but that's made it completely do-able for me. So far, James has had rice cereal (store-bought, organic), peas, avocados, and green beans. We are starting spinach on Friday. For the peas, I bought frozen peas, boiled them, mixed in a little breastmilk, and pureed them. I put them into ice cube trays (which, by the way, is the perfect serving size for baby food) and froze them. A day later, pop them out and store them in the freezer in a plastic bad. To serve, microwave on defrost for 35 seconds and you're done. The avocado I handmashed. I also handmashed a banana that was on the verge of turning brown, so that's waiting in the freezer. I did spinach and green beans too. Again, I started with frozen veggies, microwaved, and then pureed with a hand blender. One frozen bag of green beans yielded 20 ice cube-sized servings.

Not only is making baby food easy, it seems easier to me than buying it. I feel like being able to make it myself gives me a lot more options. James' next food will probably depend on what fruits and veggies we have around the house.

Personality

I have no idea whether to chalk it up to nature or nurture, but there it is, James has his own little personality. He loves to sit back and study things, especially random household objects. He loves to play with the wicket thatching on the back of the rocking chair. When I set him upright to burp him, he immediately brings both hands to the chair back and pokes his little fingers around, runs them back and forth, listening intently to the sounds his hands make.

Sometimes he's goofy, which I just adore. He'll get in "moods" where he's just seeking excuses to laugh. I can tickle his toes, make a surprised face, or rub my nose to his and that's all the encouragement he needs to let out a full, glorious giggle.

When he's sleepy or hungry or overstimulated, he just wants his momma. He can't bear to be set down, even in his favorite toy -- the Johnny Jump Up. If I wrap him to the front of me, he just sits there contentedly, looking around.

It makes me so curious and interested to see who he'll be a year from now, five or even ten.

6 Month Video

Here's a video recapping the past month. I've been doing one of these every month, but I think this is the first time I've shared it on this blog. Today is James' 6 month birthday! I can't believe how fast time is flying.