Tuesday, March 2, 2010

So Very Tired

Day 2 of work is now done. So, what's the hardest part? The nagging guilt? The tearful goodbyes? For me it has been the lack of sleep. James continues to be an angel, sleeping from 9 pm to 6 am last night. I, however, am a ball of nerves, making sleep difficult to attain. It began Saturday night when I slept from 10 pm to 2 am and could not go back to sleep. It was agonizing to lay there in bed for 6 hours, thinking, "I should sleep. I need to go into the work week rested. Why am I not sleeping?"

Sunday to Monday, I got up at 4 am and couldn't go back to bed, so I just decided to go into work early, which meant I got there at 6:30 am. At least I could leave at 3 pm. Today was terrible because I got up at 2:45 am and couldn't go into work early because I had a doctor's appointment at 8 am. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. I know the poor sleep is 100% related to going back to work.

I find myself waking up in a sweat, then unable to go back to sleep. I've spent a lot of my sleepless hours worrying about my job and trying to find careful, crafty ways to carve out another hour or two to spend with James.

I like my job, but am a little stressed because I heard through the co-worker grapevine that our CEO wants to reallocate my time between my two job functions. Pretty much, I spend 1/2 of my time selecting grants to fund and ensuring that they are executed properly. I like this part of my job because it's straightforward and I feel like I'm good at it. For the past year, I've been spending 1/2 my time doing "advocacy" work. Our CEO is super nice, but he's constantly changing his mind about what "advocacy" work entails. I like the advocacy part of my job less because it's unclear what I'm even supposed to be doing. Anyhow, I heard from a coworker last week that the CEO wants me dedicated 100% to the advocacy work. Ugh.

I'm also worrying about child care. After all the research I've done, the two providers we were on wait lists for have told us that we won't be getting in. We are signed up to have James start at a day care center on Monday (my mom's here this week)|. I'm confident that he'd be safe there, but I'm not so sure they'll have the time to give him any individualized attention. In the meantime, Brett got a big raise, so hiring a nanny is almost an option for us. Also, a girl in my mommy and baby yoga class is looking to babysit one child a week at her home, which is just 7 minutes from my office. So many options and so many things to consider. That's probably a post for another day. I could write way more about this, but I'm too sleepy.

The good news is that pumping is going fine. I got 18 ounces yesterday between two pumping sessions and 22 ounces today. I thought that would be plenty, but James eats 7 ounces in a feeding, according to my mom. I think that's a crazy huge amount of milk for a 3-month old to drink in one setting. It almost makes me worry about my milk supply keeping up with him.

I find myself tearing up a bit when I'm pumping because it makes me think of James. I took a unisom tonight to help me sleep, but first I checked to see if it's okay to take while breastfeeding and it appears to be.